***WARNING MAY TRIGGER RELAPSE***
In the middle of 8th grade I decided I could no longer live with my mom, I yearned for a home where I was included and loved…significant. My dad moved to California with his new wife Velma. I visited them over summer and spring breaks and it was always so wonderful. Always had dinner at the table together, took day trips to tour Cali, cleaned house together, worked in the yard together…real family stuff. I felt included.
I took the leap of faith and left all my friends to move from an area of mountainous beauty to the ocean. Moving to a new area at 14 is scary and invigorating at the same time. I didn’t know anyone, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I came from a place where you wore Levi’s 501 button fly jeans to miniskirt central. Yet I was a friendly survivor able to adapt to any situation at hand, a core trait I learned at such a young age of alcoholism and narcissism.
By freshman year, which was still considered Junior High School, I had friends from all circles and clicks. The teachers loved me, I increased my GPA from 2.1 to 3.5, I was a teachers assistant, the administrative office hung my artwork in their offices, I played softball AND was 1 of 6 girls chosen to be a cheerleader. Cheer leading in Cali is competitive, not about popularity, flat-out skill. I felt like I was on top of the world. Yet I couldn’t seem to get a boyfriend, I was a virgin and I didn’t dress provocatively. Velma and dad made sure I always looked classy and fashionable. Most of my friends weren’t virgins, spoke of sex a lot, dabbled in drugs, had parties, etc.
There was one boy I was interested in and I’m pretty sure I made myself look like an idiot each time he was around. By January of that year I know he knew I liked him, then all of a sudden he took interest in me. Talked to me, sat with me at lunch, flirted, kidded around and showed me interest. It meant a lot to me. I wasn’t the prettiest in school, extremely skinny and underdeveloped. I considered myself pretty enough, many of the other boys flirted with me and were awkward around me; but this other boy….I was drawn to him. On a Saturday night he invited me over to his house for a movie night with a group of friends. WOW! I was so excited an all giddy to go, dad was okay with it…so I went.
I dressed cute. I wore a jean-skirt, kind of mini but not too short, tank top with a button-up sleeveless shirt over it. When dad dropped me off, he was to come back and get me at 11:00pm, no problem. I thought I was one of the first to arrive. Because it was only Jake and this other boy Jon. We all sat in the den, drinking sodas and talking. An hour went by and no one else showed up, I asked Jake where everyone else was, he said they all must have changed their minds or their stupid parents wouldn’t let them come over. In my mind, okay no big deal, lets watch a movie.
Then he offered to give me a tour of his house. In my mind his parents were there, most likely in their room allowing the teenagers to chill together. He took me to his bedroom, it was covered in posters of Depeche Mode and The Cure. He closed the door and walked straight up to me and started kissing me. My heart was fluttering and beating so fast. He sat me on his bed, kept kissing me and leaned me backwards to lay down. I don’t remember how long we were kissing for, I just remember the force.
In a flash he was sitting on me over my waist, hands above my head and wrists in his grasp. With his free hand he shoved a sock in my mouth and then shoved my skirt up and ripped my panties off. I tried so hard to straighten and squeeze my legs together, wiggling around. I was just to small and had no ability to fight. He kept saying, “Relax. This is what you wanted. Just let it happen.” I couldn’t scream, couldn’t say no and had to stop fighting it. It seemed like forever, but it was only like 10 minutes at most. I just don’t remember.
Then he got up and was buttoning his shorts. Told me to clean myself up and come out to the den when done. My panties were ripped so I shoved them in my skirt pocket. I was shaking. Frantic and just wanted to go home. This was all my fault, I should have never flirted with him, I should have not let him kiss me or sit me on the bed. I put myself into that position. It was like 10pm and if I had called my dad to come get me he would have asked me why along with 10 other questions. I went and sat down on the couch back in the den and watched the clock as if it were in slow motion get to 11pm. Jake and Jon were sitting there talking like nothing had happened. Did Jon know what Jake did?
I was embarrassed and humiliated. I took complete ownership for what happened. I lost my innocence and identity in one night. Dad honked the horn and I’m pretty sure I ran out of that house. Got home, took a bath and cried into the hand towel. I told no one.
On Monday at school I created a facade of happiness and fun, had to pretend to be me. I never spoke to Jake again. This is when I started to change for the worse and started to create an alternative identity. No longer innocent. Clearly not wanted by boys unless I’d have sex with them. Insignificant AGAIN!