The Stalker Part 3

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By this time in the story John was served his Temporary Restraining Order by the Sheriff’s office.  During a gullible state I hoped he would see the fear he had caused and choose to walk away from me and never contact me again.  However, the TRO fueled the psycho’s fire within and he became worse.

I lived across the street from my sister, and she had her own business which she ran out of her home.  I had spoken to many people at my work in the past about her and her business, helping her drum up business.  Little did I know John had also inquired about her by speaking with others we worked with before he left the hospital.  In psycho stalker fashion he called her under an assumed name and set up an appointment with her.  She had never seen a picture of him, this was way before social media, all she knew was he was a psycho stalker and he had worked with me.

He came to her house with an assumed name and spent about 20 minutes speaking with her about “business” stuff and then started asking all sorts of questions about me.  She felt it odd and strange that he kept circling back around to me and then her gut hit her hard about the unsettled feeling she realized she had with him; she asked him point-blank “You’re not Stan, you’re John aren’t you?”  He stumbled in his response for words and she immediately got up and yelled for her husband in a panic while leaving the room.  Within moments of her husband and her walking back into the room together, John was gone out of the house and walking through of the gate of their yard.  Her husband ran out there and yelled at him to never return as he was driving away.

My sister called me in a panic and told me everything, I couldn’t even speak nor respond to her.  I jumped in my car and went home and called the police.  They came over, took the report and said “Since you weren’t home at the time and the restraining order doesn’t include her, there’s nothing we can do.”

The mantra I kept hearing from them was “there’s nothing we can do”…

 

Desperation, Frustration….a little rant

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It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  Life can really get in the way of being able to see ANYTHING!  What does life look like for Katy right now?

  1. Diagnosed with 3 autoimmune diseases.  Able to manage one with diet.  The other 2 are apparently managed with medications, one is prednisone the other hydroxychloriquine.  Prednisone can’t be long-term, causes crazy bruising and causes other health concerns, finished my second course and now it’s out of my system and all symptoms have come back.  Hydroxychloriquine takes months to work, and that’s if it decides to work.
  2. Daily symptoms: extraordinary pain in my feet, burning pins and needles with swelling, swollen painful hands, headaches, low back pain, body shaking uncontrollably from the inside out, insomnia, mood swings, brain fog and confusion, ringing in my ears, fatigue, low blood pressure, dizziness and abdominal pain.
  3. Recently had to move because our landlord decided to sell our house AFTER we signed another 4 year lease agreement.  Have to love the little clauses in a lease.
  4. Husband’s employer decided to reorganize their departments, which left him out of employment, so we lost our health insurance.  We also lost our church, our second home and a lot of our community.  A churches words on stage only run that deep, integrity doesn’t always run deep behind the closed doors of the church.  I haven’t lost my faith in God, but I have in the people who teach it.  Yes they are also human and sin and make mistakes, but actions speak louder than words.
  5. New health insurance is crap and beyond expensive, so I’ve lost my psychologist and psychiatrist, back to a conglomerate healthcare system that has the WORSE mental health department.
  6. Just had the one year anniversary of my brothers tragic death, which is still so fresh I can’t even touch the surface of speaking about it.

I’m done with seeing and experiencing all of this.  Who gets me through it?  God.  I know He has a plan for us and everything we are going through, I know there is a light and I am seeing glimmers of it in the distance.  But-it feels so far away and hard to catch up to.  I want to feel energy again, unity, pain-free, confident and directed.  Instead I feel slow, alone, pained, uncertain and reeling with desperation.

One step at a time, one day at a time, one prayer at a time…it’ll all come back.  Yet my patience runs thin.

Psalm 23: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul; He guides me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Blogiversary

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I started this blog one year ago in an effort to work through my past and present realities. I’ve grown in knowledge based on putting my feelings and experiences into words. I’ve made some amazing “blogging” friends who have similar experiences in life. I’ve even managed to piss some people off.

My goal was to create a space where I could raise awareness to CPTSD, and it evolved from there. I wish I could be writing more currently, but my health isn’t allowing it. My “brain fog” is a mother fucker at its best. So while I’m not able to put feelings and thoughts into words, I’m still going to do my best to raise awareness.

Thank you to those of you who have been loyal readers, without you…I have no voice.

Letter to 30 year old Katy

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Dear Katy;

It’s me, 46-year-old you, and I want you to know something deep from my heart.

During the time of the stalker, not only were you in trauma from him, but your mother was dying as well. You had double the trauma happening to you with no support or advice on how to handle it. This combination is a rare occurrence and you need to be recognized for that.

Every step you took to protect you and your son was spot on. It’s not your fault the stalker became obsessed with you and terrorized you. You had no coping skills except for what you were taught, which was very little. I recognize your pain and desperation for help, how helpless and scared you felt.

As mom was dying, you had the same feelings about that. You felt helpless and scared, you’d never experienced anything like this. It was your first grieving experience with death.

If you’re feeling shame because maybe you’re choices during that time weren’t the best, IT’S OKAY! You have nothing to be ashamed of. I give you full permission to grieve these traumas. I support you in all you did and why did it.

Katy I love you no matter what, I forgive you, I’m proud of you and I’m sorry you had to experience this. I have to forgive us for any shame or guilt you felt during this time. You were a child of God then, but our eyes have now been opened about His love for us. I’m proud of you for doing what you had to do to survive. But you need to see YOU MADE IT! You’re alive today and your mind and choices are at their healthiest. You’re an example of God’s love and grace. Your heart, soul, mind and strength was God working through you. You are now a queen, lover, magi and warrior because of what you’ve been through and you came out shining! I have so much empathy for you, because you didn’t do anything to make this all happen. You were a victim of circumstance and a scared young woman. Although you didn’t receive empathy from your family and your friends walked away from you, please know THAT was NOT your fault. Not everyone can face that ocean of shit and have the strength to move through it. That ocean has been cleaned up and dried up, it’s now clean, refreshing, relaxing and Gods beautiful creation.

This ocean of life can be unforgiving through the storms, but you now know how to navigate through it better. When the storms pass, you come out a bit scathed, but You’re alive! That’s badass!

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You are loved and supported by me no matter what. Katy I’m proud of you and I love you. 💛  Now move forward and keep fighting because I’ve got your back! You’re safe and I will protect you at all costs!

I love you and God Bless you,

Katy at 46 years old

The Stalker Part 2

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As I promised when I felt safe to come back to this trauma I would share what I could.  It’s a “moment” that I recently worked through in EMDR and I can now share without a trigger.  I have to say that EMDR has come a long way and the process is much gentler and effective than it was 16 years ago.  Here’s my experience.

I was working at the hospital and John was no longer employed there.  He had left a note at my home prior to this moment that we could now be together because we no longer worked together.  I didn’t anticipate this next experience to happen.

There was a celebration at the hospital in the cafeteria with a new menu and roll out of food, so I decided to venture down and have lunch.  I felt safe because he wasn’t working there anymore.  Like most cafeteria’s you go through the buffet style lines and walk to the cashier to pay for your food before entering the dinning area.  When at the cashier line you can see the entire dinning area.  As I stood there in line, which as quite long, I gazed out over the dinning area.  Checking to see if there was a place to sit since there were so many people.  There was a column in my way so I couldn’t see every area.  As I reached the cashier closer I could peek around the column, and there he was.  Sitting perfectly to be able to see the line at the cashier.  I started trembling and shaking and we locked eyes.

My heart is pounding right now as I write this, but I know right now I am safe in my home with my dog and John isn’t here….so I’m pressing on.

When we locked eyes John got this sinister grin on his face, I’ll never forget it.  Creepy grin of ” You see me now and I see you…are you afraid yet”.  I was horrified.  He lifted his right hand and made it look like a gun, pointing his index finger at me with his thumb straight up….then POW!  He pretends to shoot me with his hand shaped gun.  I gasped, locked up and dropped my plate.  I ran out of there through the back area where you enter so I didn’t have to go past him to get out.

I walked/ran as fast as I could down that cold windowless basement hallway crying and saying out loud “Oh my God, oh my God”. My mind racing with thoughts of “He’s going to kill me. Why would he do that? He’s going to kill me.”  I entered a panic attack once I got to my office and sat down in a back closet so he couldn’t find me.  I called security from the phone in this closet that once served as an office.  They came right away and the lead security officer was a friend and he was very helpful.  He comforted me and called for the other guards to have John removed, there was no reason for him to be at the hospital.  My friend “Murray” listened to my story of what had transpired for months prior to this event and he became my biggest advocate.

Murray went to the executive office and spoke with the Chief Operating Officer, they got me an executive parking pass so I could park in a secure area where the executives parked.  They made note of everything and issued a letter to John telling him that he had no reason to ever be on the hospital grounds and if he returns that they would call the police.  They installed a panic button under my desk.  They reassured my safety and were fantastic at helping me.

Murray had a guard get my car from the parking garage and place it in the secure area.  Then he drove me to the County Court House where I resided to obtain a restraining order.  The order was a temporary restraining order, but I thought it was something that would protect me.  As I got the TRO I was reminded that John now worked in the cafeteria of THAT county court-house.  Can you believe it?  This fucktard worked where I was having to legally stop him from coming around me.  I couldn’t believe it.

A friend from high school was on the police force in the city I resided in, and after I told him what was happening he increased police presence on my street.

At this point I was secure at work for parking, panic button placed, security well aware of him; TRO in hand and local police increasing their rounds on my street.  I felt like I was getting somewhere.  I prayed for all of this to scare him enough to stay away from me and to just vanish.

A TRO is a piece of paper…A PIECE OF PAPER TO PROTECT MY LIFE! It was a good start legally for what was going to happen down the road, but pieces of paper don’t stop a bullet, a hand coming at you or any other physical assaults.  IT’S A PIECE OF PAPER…USELESS! So I called Kojak and he came over and helped me order and get a highly effective security system installed in my home.  Panic buttons in 3 rooms, every window and door was activated.  I could have obtained motion sensors in my house, but with my son, a little boy, who wanders in his sleep that wasn’t a good option.  It was a hefty financial burden, but money was needed for protection. Then Kojak and I called my attorney, who in turn wrote a letter to John for a “cease & desist” all contact per the TRO.

Kojak gave me pointers on leaving my home and traveling.  I no longer took the same routes to and from work and my son’s school.  Use different stores each time.  Carry my cars key-fob with my thumb on the panic alarm and keys pointing out between each finger as a weapon when walking to and from my car.  Taught me how to watch for someone following me as I drove.  Taught me to be vigilant of my surroundings.

You’d think with all of this I would be able to sleep, calm down and feel safe.  This is when I became “hyper-vigilant” and my world of sleep no longer existed.  I paced through my house 6-10 times per night checking on my son and windows and doors and security system activation.  This became my new normal and it has stuck with me for 16 years.

I won’t be doing EMDR again for another couple of weeks.  The process takes its toll on me and I have to keep processing the trauma’s slowly.  I’ve stayed away a bit from blogging because I’m so afraid of getting triggered.  I sometimes feel like blogging can be a task on my mind that causes me more anxiety.  I don’t want my readers to fall away as I know there are many who have appreciated these stories for their own healing.  I’m doing my best.  I’m plowing/pushing through as I can.

Right now the evil forces of negative energy has been attacking me recently, through my own experiences, my oldest son, my husband, my father and sister.  This evil doesn’t want me to heal, it wants to suppress me and keep me down.  It attacks my family which affects me.  God is bigger than these evil enemy forces and I trust in Him.  He has my back and I know I will come out of this a better version of myself, His strength is in me and I will be a testament to His love for us.

 

Photo credit: Jeff Garner

http://www.jeffgarnerimagery.com

Motherhood and Anxiety

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Anxiety seems to sneak up on you like a virus that attacks your stomach. One minute you’re feeling great and then you feel tired or tummy becomes achy then the next thing vomiting your guts out with explosive diarrhea. Over the past couple of weeks I have been exhausted, irritable, frustrated and now explosive. Not realizing what was happening until just now.

Why is it (anxiety) here now? What triggered it? What am I afraid of? All of these questions with no answer is the most frustrating experience.

I’ve been extremely short-tempered and have no patience when it comes to my 3-year-old. The anxiety in me says “Why can’t you just behave Calvin? Why are you so naughty right now? Can’t you see I need peace?” How fucking irrational is that? He’s 3 years old, he has no clue what I need, he only knows what he needs. I believe he’s feeling my energy field of anxiety. Calvin’s simply reacting to my shit behavior…or I’m perceiving his behavior as bad because I’m just so anxious.

The mom side of me feels an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. “I have to be better at this mom job, he deserves it, he deserves my full attention and guidance. He deserves to feel my energy field of love and patience.” I’m a stay at home mom for 2 reasons: 1. We want him to receive our parental influence and guidance during these first 3 years of life, which are critical foundational and bonding years. 2. My CPTSD and anxiety are so bad that I can’t come close to working and I suffered moderate to severe postpartum depression and being away from Calvin would have done us both a great deal of harm.

My precious Calvin has the kindest heart of love and compassion. His love is pure and unconditional. His personality is simply amazing, he’s funny beyond measure, his imagination runs deep, his memory blows us away daily of what he remembers and his learning and following instructions is spot on. He’s an amazing child and we are blessed beyond words he is ours.

God gave me an opportunity in life at 43 yrs old to be a mom again, 20 years later after my first son. Calvin IS our gift from God and Gods gifts are precious.

With all of his amazing gifts why do I feel like such a failure? If I was such the failure as I feel, Calvin wouldn’t be who he is today. I’ve apparently done something right…I just can’t see it.

So where is this anxiety coming from? Is it the stalker? The death of my brother? The thought of starting Calvin in preschool soon? The EMDR starting in a couple of weeks? I seriously have no idea what is causing it, but I fucking hate it.

I honestly would rather be vomiting with explosive diarrhea than have anxiety. Let’s look at some ways I can calm down and hopefully be less anxious.

  1. Yoga (almost impossible with a 3 yr old crawling on you)
  2. Meditation  (same issue as #1)
  3. Bilateral tapping (works for 30 minutes max)
  4. Benzodiazepines (addicting & too sedating for safety purposes)
  5. Exercise  (too exhausted)
  6. Find the source of the cause (stuck on this one)
  7. Pray (not working)
  8. Breathing technique (can’t focus long enough)
  9. Serenity Prayer…

That’s as far as I’ve gotten on ideas. Working on finding more but feeling stuck in the moment. Feeling helpless to help myself is a miserable feeling. I have repeated the serenity prayer over and over in my head, it helps a little, just not enough.

I know I’m not unique in this feeling and time in life, I just hope by admitting it can bring some peace to me. Maybe help another mommy not feel so alone. Would like to hear from you if you have or are currently experiencing this anxiety.

I’ll end with my final prayer of the night.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Good night.

Stalker Story Temporarily Discontinued

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I thought I was ready to dive into this, I thought after 17 years and years of therapy I could tell this story. It has unexpectedly opened a door that is causing severe hypervigilance, nightmares, triggers and causing a CPTSD response I wasn’t anticipating.

I’m suspending my story until I can safely tell this story without mental and physical repercussions. I feel unsafe and wish someone would just hold me close and give me a safe feeling of security. My dog was that safe point for me, but since his death 2 weeks ago I’m a hot fucking mess.

I walk the house all night, eat through the night, have nightmares, flashing images of his face and events, migraines and feel tortured. I feel broken and unfixable.

I’ve tried refocusing, staying busy, medications, meditation, safe place comfort measures and it’s just lingering. So this story is on hold until I can safely reopen this can of smelly shit.

Will I ever be free of you John? You piece of dog shit! My soul belongs to God, not you. Feeling defeated.