Desperation, Frustration….a little rant

desperation

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  Life can really get in the way of being able to see ANYTHING!  What does life look like for Katy right now?

  1. Diagnosed with 3 autoimmune diseases.  Able to manage one with diet.  The other 2 are apparently managed with medications, one is prednisone the other hydroxychloriquine.  Prednisone can’t be long-term, causes crazy bruising and causes other health concerns, finished my second course and now it’s out of my system and all symptoms have come back.  Hydroxychloriquine takes months to work, and that’s if it decides to work.
  2. Daily symptoms: extraordinary pain in my feet, burning pins and needles with swelling, swollen painful hands, headaches, low back pain, body shaking uncontrollably from the inside out, insomnia, mood swings, brain fog and confusion, ringing in my ears, fatigue, low blood pressure, dizziness and abdominal pain.
  3. Recently had to move because our landlord decided to sell our house AFTER we signed another 4 year lease agreement.  Have to love the little clauses in a lease.
  4. Husband’s employer decided to reorganize their departments, which left him out of employment, so we lost our health insurance.  We also lost our church, our second home and a lot of our community.  A churches words on stage only run that deep, integrity doesn’t always run deep behind the closed doors of the church.  I haven’t lost my faith in God, but I have in the people who teach it.  Yes they are also human and sin and make mistakes, but actions speak louder than words.
  5. New health insurance is crap and beyond expensive, so I’ve lost my psychologist and psychiatrist, back to a conglomerate healthcare system that has the WORSE mental health department.
  6. Just had the one year anniversary of my brothers tragic death, which is still so fresh I can’t even touch the surface of speaking about it.

I’m done with seeing and experiencing all of this.  Who gets me through it?  God.  I know He has a plan for us and everything we are going through, I know there is a light and I am seeing glimmers of it in the distance.  But-it feels so far away and hard to catch up to.  I want to feel energy again, unity, pain-free, confident and directed.  Instead I feel slow, alone, pained, uncertain and reeling with desperation.

One step at a time, one day at a time, one prayer at a time…it’ll all come back.  Yet my patience runs thin.

Psalm 23: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul; He guides me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

CPTSD You Are My B*tch!

 avoiding-the-marketing-house-of-cards-sxsw-v2v-2-638

What if we obeyed Jesus, our commander? If you just read that question and shuttered because you don’t believe in Jesus or the church somehow wronged you in your past; PLEASE DON’T STOP READING THIS. Please hang in there with me as the following is about a man who didn’t believe in God or Jesus either. We were taught about this in church last weekend and it made a huge impact on me. The title of this post came to me in church. Yes I’m a Pastors wife and yes my language is foul, but I promised to always be real in this blog and not try to be what people “think” I “should” be.

So if you’re still with me and ready to read more, please read the following passage. Then I’ll explain.

_____________________________

Matthew 8

The Faith of the Centurion

When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help.“Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”

Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?”

The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11 I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

13 Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.  

__________________________________________

Are you still with me? If so, thank you! I promise I’m not trying to sell Jesus to you or convert you, just telling MY story and experience. 

Basically the centurion had faith in himself to know that when he took command of his soldiers and gave them orders…they listened. Any soldier today in the military, they follow the orders of their Commander In Chief, they don’t do this just because they really like their commander, they do it because they have “brothers” in their unit whom they would die for. These soldiers took an oath and they learned physical and mental discipline that would blow any civilians mind.  If you go against the commander it puts all soldiers at risk of injury or death. The bond built between these “brothers in arms” is unbreakable. 

I chose God as my Commander In Chief on November 11, 2009. I’m  a terrible soldier of God, my faith in Him lacks daily. When I had my most recent CPTSD relapse I closed myself in and DID NOT seek God’s comfort nor direction. My faith went straight out the door. With all honesty it will falter again and again, not because he sucks as my commander. It’s because I have trust issues, control issues, I don’t like being a follower and I hate rules. I’m not a good soldier in Christ.

Going to our regular Sunday morning service last weekend was my first time back in 3 weeks. Why is it every time I go the teaching is ALWAYS about what I’m struggling with? Do my Pastors know me so well they’re actually speaking to me? The answer is no they don’t know me well at all, but they know God and Jesus and they teach truth from the bible. I found a fire and a strength in me that morning I hadn’t felt in months. Jesus answered that centurion’s request not because the centurion was a loyal follower of Christ, it was because he had confidence knowing his soldiers so well. Not arrogance…but confidence…FAITH! Strong faith in his soldiers and Jesus was amazed by that. 

I refuse to break and let CPTSD run my life for another 30 years, I refuse to put my faith in knowing it’s going to return again and again…CPTSD doesn’t own me! I own it and I will break it and it will be my bitch! Why? Because I have God on my side, I have his strength inside me, I have a fire in me much like a soldier charging into enemy territory.  I know I have to take this fight slow and gently, because the trauma on me was aggressive and fierce. I have to nourish my soul as I take on this enemy and kick it’s ass. 

I have been meditating an armor of God’s strength around me daily. I’m practicing a bilateral soft tapping to calm my anxiety. I’m getting ready to engage in battle by use of EMDR against the stalker trauma. I’m scared as hell, anxious…but ready. I’m going to own its ass and make it my bitch. This is my war effort against my mental health disability. My faith is in my fight against it and I will win