Bowing Out

2016-06-05_14.05.42-1If you came back to my blog after my previous post, I want to thank you for not bowing out after reading my trauma list.
I have experienced over time the impact my story has on people. There are 3 specific ways people have responded to my story.
  1. 100% interested in my story – these people want to know me and what has happened to make me who I am today. These people invest time in me, want to learn from me, want to walk through life with me. These people represent less than 1% of the people I know.
  2. Silently interested in my story – these people know what I’ve been through, they’ve listened. These people are my friends, but with limitations. They know I struggle with severe depression. They tell me to let them know if I need anything. They typically don’t ask how I’m doing with my PTSD or depression. Not because they don’t care, but because they do care and it hurts for them to hear how I am; because they feel helpless. These people bow out gracefully and I completely understand why.  These people represent 24% of the people I know.
  3. Not interested at all in my story – these people have heard a fraction of my story, but don’t want to hear anymore. It’s too overwhelming for them. It’s not believable. It screams “train wreck” “run away” “don’t get involved”. Or the person feels they need to “one up” my story and follow-up with “yeah you think you’ve got it bad, well listen to this”. These people bow out ungracefully and I never hear of or see them again. Which I completely understand, but wish they had the ability to own up to their response. Take responsibility for once. These people represent 50% of the people I know.
  4. The remaining 25% – I don’t trust you and you’ll never hear my story.

 

What really really hurts is to think that my friends are my true friends, yet they refuse to accept me into their inner circle. Don’t ever invite me to go places even after I’ve shown interest.  I’ll do anything for anyone at all times when they are in need, this is not reciprocal with most of my friends.

If you’ve been through any sort of trauma, I believe the above examples of people hold true for you too. I don’t damn or shame the latter type of people, not all of us were born with resilience. It’s just that some of us don’t mind another person’s “muck” especially when we’ve lived a life covered in it.
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WTF is CPTSD?

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CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) is what a person can suffer after being traumatized or victimized over and over and over for long periods of time; or repetitive traumas that aren’t related and a person never gets a chance to heal in between them, which puts the person is in a constant state of victimization.  PTSD usually refers to 1 to 2 events in a person’s life that they experience. CPTSD can be a number of things a person experiences long term such as:
  • Prisoner of war
  • Concentration Camps
  • Child physical, emotional or sexual abuse
  • Domestic violence
  • Sex trafficking / Prostitution
  • Child exploitation rings
You read my list of traumas and some of them went on for years. The symptoms, pain and self destruction that came with it made it all even worse. Like myself, people with CPTSD experience symptoms and difficulties such as:
  • Zero Emotional Regulation. Consistent sadness or anger outburts and rages.
  • Dissociation. I detach from my feelings as if having them is too painful to have.
  • Self destructive beliefs. I carry shame and guilt like it’s super glued to my body. I don’t feel like a normal person or that I fit in.
  • Vengeance takes control of me. I plot in my mind how I could physically hurt my abuser, stalker or perpetrator. Become obsessed with wanting to know where they are.
  • I have no REAL friends. I’m afraid to be close to anyone, just to protect myself. I’m afraid to leave my home because something bad might happen to me or my child. No one I know can relate to me.
  • Short term memory doesn’t exist. In as little as 24 hours I forget what we talked about.
  • Body image. I’m ugly as sin on the inside so I must be on the outside.
  • I’m the butt of every joke. No one takes me seriously.
  • Psychosomatic physical ailments. I have physical pains with no real cause identified. I want to be saved so maybe someone will find what’s physically wrong with me.
  • I’m an addict. Percocet and Ambien are incredibly awesome in my eyes, but are incredibly destructive to me.
  • Hypervigilance. I’m on edge at ALL times. Always over aware of my surroundings, who’s behind me, where the exits are and what the atmosphere of the room is. I will not sit anywhere with my back toward the door. I must be sitting on the end of a row at church, never the middle.
For me, I’m an alien living on this earth. I take everything way too personal. I’ve been called a drama queen by my family over and over. Been verbally & emotionally attacked so many times the minute someone yells at me I shut off like a light. If you walk up behind me and unintentionally startle me by touching me you are most likely going to get physically assaulted by me. I can’t attend concerts or large crowd events. I believe I’m insignificant and don’t matter. My friends are surface friends, no one includes me in anything. I can remember moments in my life like they happened 5 minutes ago, but forget a conversation we had 24 hours ago. I feel like no one believes me nor cares. I cry because no one ever just asks how I’m doing, and if they do then they wish they didn’t. I’m a brutally honest person, my honesty comes in punches, soft and kind or served on a silver platter. I’m not “normal”…whatever that means.
Welcome to my hell.
Photo credit:
Molly Strohl
 

The “trauma” list

The list of traumatic events I am sharing with you are not going to contain dates nor specific details. I feel that the details are not important to discuss with anyone at this time, I may share some details down the road, but I need to protect myself and my recovery process. Plus I need to protect any one person or group of people involved, as I have not asked for their permission to use their names nor do I choose to want to.
The list will be in chronological order, but again dates will not be used. I also know that I am opening myself up to judgement, criticism and doubt; which has played a huge role to hindering my recovery process in the past. However, if you are reading this and find it to be fake, false, pathetic, ridiculous, shameful, ignorant, you can’t agree with it or some other form of negativity; do yourself a favor and stop reading my posts and don’t waste your time sending me an email or comment.
This is my story, my experience and my truth; no one can take that away from me. I am not here to convince anyone of MY truth. I am here to hopefully help another human being suffering like me to not feel alone.

 

Deep breath…..holy shit……here it goes:
  1. Father moved out / parents divorced
  2. Abused by narcissistic & alcoholic     mother
  3. Date raped as a teenager
  4. Infant son kidnapped by his father under false motives for 3 months
  5. Stalked for 2 years by an acquaintance through work, convicted, served no jail time
  6. Mother died of cirrhosis from alcoholism
  7. Attacked & strangled by unknown  assailant
  8. Casualty of domestic violence / verbal  & physical
  9. Personal addiction from PTSD relapse
May I never have to add another item to this list. I believe it would be the final straw to break this camels back.