The Stalker Part 3

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By this time in the story John was served his Temporary Restraining Order by the Sheriff’s office.  During a gullible state I hoped he would see the fear he had caused and choose to walk away from me and never contact me again.  However, the TRO fueled the psycho’s fire within and he became worse.

I lived across the street from my sister, and she had her own business which she ran out of her home.  I had spoken to many people at my work in the past about her and her business, helping her drum up business.  Little did I know John had also inquired about her by speaking with others we worked with before he left the hospital.  In psycho stalker fashion he called her under an assumed name and set up an appointment with her.  She had never seen a picture of him, this was way before social media, all she knew was he was a psycho stalker and he had worked with me.

He came to her house with an assumed name and spent about 20 minutes speaking with her about “business” stuff and then started asking all sorts of questions about me.  She felt it odd and strange that he kept circling back around to me and then her gut hit her hard about the unsettled feeling she realized she had with him; she asked him point-blank “You’re not Stan, you’re John aren’t you?”  He stumbled in his response for words and she immediately got up and yelled for her husband in a panic while leaving the room.  Within moments of her husband and her walking back into the room together, John was gone out of the house and walking through of the gate of their yard.  Her husband ran out there and yelled at him to never return as he was driving away.

My sister called me in a panic and told me everything, I couldn’t even speak nor respond to her.  I jumped in my car and went home and called the police.  They came over, took the report and said “Since you weren’t home at the time and the restraining order doesn’t include her, there’s nothing we can do.”

The mantra I kept hearing from them was “there’s nothing we can do”…

 

Desperation, Frustration….a little rant

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It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  Life can really get in the way of being able to see ANYTHING!  What does life look like for Katy right now?

  1. Diagnosed with 3 autoimmune diseases.  Able to manage one with diet.  The other 2 are apparently managed with medications, one is prednisone the other hydroxychloriquine.  Prednisone can’t be long-term, causes crazy bruising and causes other health concerns, finished my second course and now it’s out of my system and all symptoms have come back.  Hydroxychloriquine takes months to work, and that’s if it decides to work.
  2. Daily symptoms: extraordinary pain in my feet, burning pins and needles with swelling, swollen painful hands, headaches, low back pain, body shaking uncontrollably from the inside out, insomnia, mood swings, brain fog and confusion, ringing in my ears, fatigue, low blood pressure, dizziness and abdominal pain.
  3. Recently had to move because our landlord decided to sell our house AFTER we signed another 4 year lease agreement.  Have to love the little clauses in a lease.
  4. Husband’s employer decided to reorganize their departments, which left him out of employment, so we lost our health insurance.  We also lost our church, our second home and a lot of our community.  A churches words on stage only run that deep, integrity doesn’t always run deep behind the closed doors of the church.  I haven’t lost my faith in God, but I have in the people who teach it.  Yes they are also human and sin and make mistakes, but actions speak louder than words.
  5. New health insurance is crap and beyond expensive, so I’ve lost my psychologist and psychiatrist, back to a conglomerate healthcare system that has the WORSE mental health department.
  6. Just had the one year anniversary of my brothers tragic death, which is still so fresh I can’t even touch the surface of speaking about it.

I’m done with seeing and experiencing all of this.  Who gets me through it?  God.  I know He has a plan for us and everything we are going through, I know there is a light and I am seeing glimmers of it in the distance.  But-it feels so far away and hard to catch up to.  I want to feel energy again, unity, pain-free, confident and directed.  Instead I feel slow, alone, pained, uncertain and reeling with desperation.

One step at a time, one day at a time, one prayer at a time…it’ll all come back.  Yet my patience runs thin.

Psalm 23: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul; He guides me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Letter to 30 year old Katy

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Dear Katy;

It’s me, 46-year-old you, and I want you to know something deep from my heart.

During the time of the stalker, not only were you in trauma from him, but your mother was dying as well. You had double the trauma happening to you with no support or advice on how to handle it. This combination is a rare occurrence and you need to be recognized for that.

Every step you took to protect you and your son was spot on. It’s not your fault the stalker became obsessed with you and terrorized you. You had no coping skills except for what you were taught, which was very little. I recognize your pain and desperation for help, how helpless and scared you felt.

As mom was dying, you had the same feelings about that. You felt helpless and scared, you’d never experienced anything like this. It was your first grieving experience with death.

If you’re feeling shame because maybe you’re choices during that time weren’t the best, IT’S OKAY! You have nothing to be ashamed of. I give you full permission to grieve these traumas. I support you in all you did and why did it.

Katy I love you no matter what, I forgive you, I’m proud of you and I’m sorry you had to experience this. I have to forgive us for any shame or guilt you felt during this time. You were a child of God then, but our eyes have now been opened about His love for us. I’m proud of you for doing what you had to do to survive. But you need to see YOU MADE IT! You’re alive today and your mind and choices are at their healthiest. You’re an example of God’s love and grace. Your heart, soul, mind and strength was God working through you. You are now a queen, lover, magi and warrior because of what you’ve been through and you came out shining! I have so much empathy for you, because you didn’t do anything to make this all happen. You were a victim of circumstance and a scared young woman. Although you didn’t receive empathy from your family and your friends walked away from you, please know THAT was NOT your fault. Not everyone can face that ocean of shit and have the strength to move through it. That ocean has been cleaned up and dried up, it’s now clean, refreshing, relaxing and Gods beautiful creation.

This ocean of life can be unforgiving through the storms, but you now know how to navigate through it better. When the storms pass, you come out a bit scathed, but You’re alive! That’s badass!

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You are loved and supported by me no matter what. Katy I’m proud of you and I love you. 💛  Now move forward and keep fighting because I’ve got your back! You’re safe and I will protect you at all costs!

I love you and God Bless you,

Katy at 46 years old

Back To The Healing Board

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How much I wish I could go back to the drawing board and rewrite the stalker story. Didn’t expect the opening of this wound would be so re-traumatizing.  Really makes me want to crawl back into a hole and never face it again, but I’m a warrior at heart and that bastard will not win.

Anytime I’m faced with an obstacle I research it. I learn more about it and make it my mission to better understand it and how to work through it.  During the initial healing of the stalker I read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker  and The Psychology of Stalking Clinical and Forensic Perspectives by J. Reid Meloy. Both fantastic books for educating and arming yourself with helpful tools.

Now that it’s 17 years later and facing it yet again, I’m on the search for knowledge. I found a great article about being stalked and affects, yet it speaks of only initial treatment, not treatment nor effects some time later. I also can’t help but see that my story would have been more successful if I hadn’t had an emotionally abusive childhood, rape and physical abuse post stalking. I believe having been challenged with Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it’s hindering my recovery process this time. My psychologist said based on my history I could be looking at 3 months to over a year of treatment on the stalker issue alone.

A year? Feels like a lifetime. It almost has been a lifetime of destruction and mental trauma. Going back to square one with this is daunting, frustrating and tiresome. Yet I’m finding the strength through God to face it and fight it.

I recently found this article and the more I researched this doctor the more I’m intrigued to learn more. I’m hoping to contact him and ask him how he feels about his article and knowledge based on pre-trauma experiences in the mix. Stalking victims get VERY LITTLE for help from local victim services, they only pay for counseling and treatment for up to a year. There was more money spent by the county trying to rehabilitate John then heal me. Seventeen years later…no help from VS.  No restitution paid to me for possible returning symptoms or flashbacks. Our court system is flawed in this area. Not enough of this to go around for the courts to notice? It’s ming boggling.

Check out this article.

“What stalking victims need to restore their mental and somatic health”

Give me some feedback if you can. Help me brainstorm. I’m not giving up and I’m determined to survive this once again.

Stalker Story Temporarily Discontinued

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I thought I was ready to dive into this, I thought after 17 years and years of therapy I could tell this story. It has unexpectedly opened a door that is causing severe hypervigilance, nightmares, triggers and causing a CPTSD response I wasn’t anticipating.

I’m suspending my story until I can safely tell this story without mental and physical repercussions. I feel unsafe and wish someone would just hold me close and give me a safe feeling of security. My dog was that safe point for me, but since his death 2 weeks ago I’m a hot fucking mess.

I walk the house all night, eat through the night, have nightmares, flashing images of his face and events, migraines and feel tortured. I feel broken and unfixable.

I’ve tried refocusing, staying busy, medications, meditation, safe place comfort measures and it’s just lingering. So this story is on hold until I can safely reopen this can of smelly shit.

Will I ever be free of you John? You piece of dog shit! My soul belongs to God, not you. Feeling defeated.

Pray harder

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During one of my PTSD relapses, I had a woman tell me that if I’d pray harder, then God would answer my prayer and heal me forever.
Let’s just take a moment and look at how much this pisses me off and in turn what I have found from God that does actually make sense and work for me.
I am a Christian woman married to a Pastor. I am not a perfect Christian and I am far from a good one. I do my best at what I know I can do and I don’t fake it. I don’t pretend and show my life to outside people that we’re some devout bible beating Christians. I’m an open book….in case you can’t tell. I’ve only hidden my identity on this blog to keep from getting some people upset and hurt. Most people mentioned in this would be really mad to have people know what their true character is, personally I don’t give a rats ass what people think of me now at this point in my life.
According to this woman, I am a poor example of a Christian because I don’t trust God enough. If I trusted Him more then I’d be cured. That my faith in God is tarnished and it shouldn’t be because my husband is a Pastor. You should pray more and harder and God will obey.
Here’s my rant to this woman’s absurdity:
1. God is NOT a genie in a bottle. He doesn’t work that way…if He did there’d be a lot of people getting what they prayed for.
2. Jesus Christ is my lord and savior and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I’ll be going to heaven when I die. I trust the word of the bible and I have faith in His grace & mercy.
3. Yes I’m married to a Pastor, what does that have anything to do with it?
4. God will obey me? Seriously lady? It’s my responsibility as God’s daughter to obey Him.
5. That finger you are pointing and shaking at me…please notice the 3 pointing back at you while you’re doing it.
6. Mind your own business. I didn’t ask for your help nor your opinion.
I have held onto my bible tightly and cried to God and begged for help.  I’ve reached out to a couple of women that struggle with different types of depression through the years, I’ve accumulated several passages and verses that have given me solace during these really rough times.
My prayer for you while reading this will give you some peace, something to hold onto when desperate, something to ponder and be thirsty for more. To know that Jesus loved us “broken” people. He didn’t hang out with the “Pharisees”, He hung out with us addicts, people with mental illness, SINNERS! Jesus loves US and died for US! God is not ashamed of us!  I am not a religious woman, I am a Child of God and there is a difference. I shame no one and I’m not better than anyone. I’m a simple woman with a not so simple disorder.
Here are the books, chapters and verses.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

New International Version (NIV)

7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

 

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 

Romans 15:13 (NIV)

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 

Psalm 143:3-12 (NIV)

3 The enemy pursues me,

   he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in the darkness

   like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me;

   my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago;

   I meditate on all your works

   and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you;

   I thirst for you like a parched land.

7 Answer me quickly, Lord;

   my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from me

   or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

   for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

   for to you I entrust my life.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,

   for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will,

   for you are my God;

may your good Spirit

   lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;

   in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

   destroy all my foes,

   for I am your servant.

Isaiah 43:13

Contemporary English Version (CEV)

13 I am God now and forever.

No one can snatch you from me

   or stand in my way.

 

 

Psalm 136 (NIV)

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.

His love endures forever.

2 Give thanks to the God of gods.

His love endures forever.

3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:

His love endures forever.

4 to him who alone does great wonders,

His love endures forever.

5 who by his understanding made the heavens,

His love endures forever.

6 who spread out the earth upon the waters,

His love endures forever.

7 who made the great lights—

His love endures forever.

8 the sun to govern the day,

His love endures forever.

9 the moon and stars to govern the night;

His love endures forever.

10 to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt

His love endures forever.

11 and brought Israel out from among them

His love endures forever.

12 with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;

His love endures forever.

13 to him who divided the Red Sea[a] asunder

His love endures forever.

14 and brought Israel through the midst of it,

His love endures forever.

15 but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;

His love endures forever.

16 to him who led his people through the wilderness;

His love endures forever.

17 to him who struck down great kings,

His love endures forever.

18 and killed mighty kings—

His love endures forever.

19 Sihon king of the Amorites

His love endures forever.

20 and Og king of Bashan—

His love endures forever.

21 and gave their land as an inheritance,

His love endures forever.

22 an inheritance to his servant Israel.

His love endures forever.

23 He remembered us in our low estate

His love endures forever.

24 and freed us from our enemies.

His love endures forever.

25 He gives food to every creature.

His love endures forever.

26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.

His love endures forever.

 

 

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,

   and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

   you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

   you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

   you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

   and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

   too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

   Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

   if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

   your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

   and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

   the night will shine like the day,

   for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

   your works are wonderful,

   I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

   when I was made in the secret place,

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book

   before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

   How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

   they would outnumber the grains of sand—

   when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;

   your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

   I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;

   test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

   and lead me in the way everlasting.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Psalm 91:1 (NIV)

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

   and under his wings you will find refuge;

   his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

   and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways submit to him,

   and he will make your paths straight.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (NIV)

8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 12:12 (NIV)

12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 8:32 (NIV)

32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

 

Lamentations 3:19-26 (NIV)

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,

   the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,

   and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind

   and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

   for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

   great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

   therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

   to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly

   for the salvation of the Lord.